Who Knows You the Best? It’s Probably Not You!

When I started Tae Kwon Do, I got kicked in the head. Not with a foot, but with a bold statement.

My teacher told me he could tell everything he needed to know about me the moment I stepped on the mats. My posture, my movement, my eye contact…it all gave away who I was and what I was about.

Say what, Sah Boo Nim?

Before that, it never occurred to me how fast I could be sized up. And in the context of martial arts, the idea that someone could so easily see my strengths and weaknesses, and be able to form a strategy to use against me, was alarming.

Years later, a Kung Fu teacher alarmed me even more. He made the same claim that seeing me walk on the mats told him everything he needed to know about me. But then he added: “After we practice together, I’ll know more about you than you do!”

Is it possible? Can someone know you better than you know yourself?

Yep! As scary as it sounds, it is possible. Especially in martial arts where putting yourself under pressure reveals the “real” you…whether you like it or not.

But you don’t have to get punched and choked to discover the real you. Take a look at yourself in heavy traffic, in line at the market, in the middle of an argument…who do you see?

Do you give up?
Do you fight back?
Do you get angry?
Do you laugh?

If you’re smart, when life turns up the heat, you’ll pay attention to what parts of you are revealed. Unfortunately, many of us see what we want to see and ignore the rest. And every time we ignore the truth about ourselves, other people will know more about us than we do. Which is scary. Now here’s an even scarier thought–

What if EVERYONE IN THE WORLD knows more about you than you? Is that possible?

Yep! And I can prove it!

Turn the question around. Consider how you judge others. Do you feel you’re pretty good at sizing people up? Not just your friends, but even strangers in line at the coffee shop?

Of course you do!

When you talk with colleagues, don’t you filter everything they say through your experiences with them and instantly separate fact from fiction?

You bet!

We all think of ourselves as astoundingly accurate when it comes to seeing the “real” person inside of those around us.

Well, guess what–they think the same about you! And if you believe you’re correct in your judgments about them–and you probably are!–then the same is true for their judgements about you.

So, if everyone knows more about you than you do, we’re left with a big question–

WHO ARE YOU?

How wide is the gap between how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you? How often do you say things that people don’t believe?

How often do you think you’re pretty good at something while others think you’re incompetent? How often do you walk into traps without even knowing it?

You may remember former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld talking about the things we know we know, the things we know we don’t know, and the things we don’t know we don’t know.

Wow! Big idea alert! Yes, it’s important to discover answers to the questions you know need answering…but it’s even more crucial to explore the questions you never even thought to ask about yourself.

The unknown unknowns hold the greatest truths about you!

But how do you search for something when you don’t know what to look for? Here are three simple tools.

First: Erase your self-image.

What you like about yourself, what you don’t like about yourself…put it all aside. Your current self-image is the product of haphazardly conjoined bits and pieces of biased information that should not be trusted.

Start with a clean slate. Tabula rasa, my friend. You need new information to bring the real you into focus. So, put your ego aside and be open to learning everything–the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Second: Engage with others.

If you’re sitting on the couch alone, it’s easy to think of yourself as a kind, peaceful person. But get out into the real world and see how long you stay kind and peaceful. Honestly observe what you say, what you do, and how you feel as you move through the day. It’s likely you aren’t always thinking peaceful thoughts or acting in the kindest possible way.

On the other hand, you may find yourself being too kind, which can also be a problem. Try not to judge yourself either way at first. Simply focus on recognizing the real you.

Third: Ask questions.

In the martial arts, I seek feedback. I remember asking my partner once how he kept catching me in an armlock. He said, “You push too much.”

DING! That one small comment broke open new insights into my character. If I push too much in this area of my life, do I push too much in others?

Asking questions opens the door to the unknown. Ask questions you’ve never asked before. Then ask questions about things you think already know! I promise–there’s always something to discover that will surprise you.

Of course, life is often like Jeopardy where you get the answer before you ask the question.

You’re so helpful.
You talk too much.
You’re hilarious.
You never listen.
You’re so controlling.

Yes, Alex, the question is: “Who am I?” If your ego is pushed aside, you’ll welcome all the answers that come your way with equal eagerness.

Keep in mind, the point of this investigation into the real you is not meant to be a self-indulgent exercise in proving how interesting and cool you are. It’s supposed to be an honest analysis of what tools you’re working with and how well you’re using them, so you can make adjustments and get more of what you want out of life.

When you meet the real you, you’ll be a better fighter, a better person, a better everything.

They say knowledge is power. I say self-knowledge is the ultimate power.

Don’t let others know more about you than you!